The Daily Drop: Local Walmart Unveils Newest Greeter: The Punisher – Shoppers Beware!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
March 10, 2025
Local Walmart Unveils Newest Greeter: The Punisher – Shoppers Beware!
March 10, 2025
Local Walmart Unveils Newest Greeter: The Punisher – Shoppers Beware!
In a bold move following a recent Godzilla sighting, retail giant Walmart has announced the hiring of Frank Castle, better known as Marvel’s vigilante anti-hero The Punisher, as a greeter at their main store in Las Vegas, NV. Sources say Castle, clad in his signature skull-emblazoned vest and sporting a permanent scowl, has taken the role of welcoming customers far too seriously.
Eyewitnesses report that Castle greeted shoppers with a gravelly, “You’re entering my store now—keep it clean or face the consequences,” while brandishing a rolled-up sales flyer like a makeshift baton. Within hours of his first shift, he reportedly apprehended three shoplifters, confiscated a cart full of unpaid-for frozen pizzas, and interrogated a toddler over a suspiciously sticky candy wrapper. “No one crosses the threshold of justice on my watch,” Castle allegedly growled as he scanned receipts with military precision.
Store management claims the hire was part of a new security protocol after Godzilla's luck took a turn at the craps table and he became belligerent with Golden Nugget staff, causing millions in damage. But employees are already whispering about the collateral damage to the store itself. “He duct-taped a guy to the ‘Welcome’ mat for trying to return a blender without a receipt,” said cashier Tammy Jenkins. “And don’t get me started on the ‘no loitering’ policy—he’s got the parking lot looking like a war zone.”
Shoppers have mixed reactions. “I just wanted to buy some socks, but now I’m terrified to leave without saluting the rollback sign,” said local resident Carl Simmons. Others, however, applaud the move. “Finally, someone’s keeping the self-checkout thieves in line!” cheered avid bargain-hunter Linda Torres.
Walmart corporate has yet to comment on rumors that Castle’s next assignment involves enforcing the “10 items or less” rule with extreme prejudice. Meanwhile, the Punisher himself was unavailable for comment, last seen muttering, “One batch, two batch, penny and dime,” while reorganizing the clearance aisle into a fortified perimeter.
Stay tuned as this story develops—or shop at your own risk.